WTG: Bad Karma

Today was altogether shit.

You know these days right?

Please, for the love of GOD will you just go and buy one.

So all I wanted to do was sit on my train and not have to worry about WTG’s issues and banal questions about iPhones and iPads – he still hasn’t got one but he talks dreamily about owning one and asks me about all that stuff practically every day as if I am some sort of over enthusiastic Apple employee.

Which I’m not.

It’s tiresome, so much so that I almost considered deploying an avoidance tactic today, but I just didn’t have the heart so I suffered his inane waffle instead but I really just wanted some headspace for myself instead of all his bullshit.

He started telling me that he was really close to missing the train home today (I pray for small mercies) as he had to go and get some carrots.

Yeah for real, this is the kind of shit I am subjected to.


So yes apparently when he left his house this morning he noted that he didn’t have many carrots left for the dogs (huh?) so had to go and get some in Canterbury before getting the train.

Carrots? for dogs?

I didn’t know dogs need carrots to survive, I said, while really, actually not giving a flying toss either way.

Oh yeah he says, they eat carrot, broccoli, potatoes.. He had this really weird, childish way of saying potatoes I noticed, ‘tay-toes’. They also apparently eat swedes and turnips as well.


Truly gripping stuff as I am sure you will agree. He then went on to tell me about when he takes the dogs out on a shoot, when they go around fields and stuff he actually pulls out turnips and pockets them to save money on feeding his dogs.


NOTHING surprises me anymore I tell you. He also told me that when he peels tay-toes he just drops the peelings in the dog bowl and the dogs eat it all.

God knows what I did wrong today to deserve a lesson in providing a range of nutritional meals for dogs but there you go.


All this went on before we even got on the train, when we did get on finally I sat the other side across the aisle from him and started to look away and out of the window. I turned up my music, nice and deliberately as if crying out for him to shut the fuck up.

He then started going on about iPhones again and how his boss sold one and now has a blackberry, look man I don’t give a FUCK, please shut up.

He then told me that he had some more, extra weekend shooting dates booked, and about some story about how all that transpired, honestly dude I am actually going to strangle you in a minute.

He then said “oh guess who I saw this morning?” I already know who as the MLS Author had already given me the details this morning.

Yes I said, Young Lady, I didn’t say young lady, I used her real name but I told him that I already knew that she was about today and back from then Alps. He then went on and told me the full minutae anyway. Seriously the urge to kill was rising by this point…

We got to the station and yes, finally, another friend rescued me on the way out, WTG did his sprint to the finish line over the bridge and away and I spoke to her for a moment instead, happy Birthday by the way!

I didn’t have my bike with me today (long story) so I had to walk home and as I turned the corner I caught up with WTG and observed him for a second looking at some rubbish that had been dropped on his drive. Instead of just picking it up and binning it like any normal person would, he booted it onto his neighbours drive instead. What an asshole.


Karma can be a bitch and your Karmic debt is massive Weird Train Guy, good luck with that in hell…


Tomorrow, I’m deploying an avoidance tactic, fuck it.


WTG: Moving Forward

Hi All,

Hope you are all well and that everything is just tickety boo.

I haven’t posted about our dear friend Weird Train Guy for a while, I have had my mind on other things, a lot of other things.

I have also been considering my writing and the aim of it and I figured there is only so long the Weird Train Guy blog can go with such a limited palette of subject matter. I thought it was time to let WTG run free again in his insane little world and I am thinking of trying something else.

So I proudly unveil:

Everything is OK Blog

Everything is OK Blog

This is Everything is OK, a new Blog project that I have been working on.

The idea is to let my ideas and writing run free with any kind of subject that I can think of and I have been posting a lot in there already and I am feeling the groove, it’s really positive and good.

I may feature Weird Train Guy every now and then as a special treat but the for most part it’s likely to be a good mix of positive thoughts and cool things. I’ve really enjoyed writing Weird Train Guy, it’s been so much fun and to hear you guys talking about it to my face has just made me laugh, I’m really pleased with it all and hope you can enjoy my articles about other things in the future.

I did wonder how I was going to finish this up, a friend even suggested that I just reveal the blog to Weird Train Guy and never post again. I’ve been toying with the idea of lots of mad, crazy and scary endings using various film plots, but I cant decide – should I reveal the site to him?

Would that not just be GENIUS?

Tell me what you think.

Anyway back to the new blog, if you fancy it,  go and subscribe at Everything is OK and come join me.

There is going to be less swearing this time. Or some shit.

This is a bit of a tear-jerker and it’s sad to think it’s the end but this is never over, it can only evolve. Everything is OK.

WTG Rumours and the emergence of Weird Trolley Guy

So I trudged along the walkway down to the platform to meet Weird Train Guy and get “our” train home, the Pluckley Express. On the way I met up with Young Lady’s little sister who I am going to call YoungER Lady for consistency.

We walked to the stairs and I listened while she slated my previous blog entries which apparently are “about nothing”.

I tried to point out that nothing I write about means nothing, and that it all means something to me, but alas, you can’t tell these young uns anything because of course they know everything. I knew everything once. I guess as you age you forget everything?

Yes that must be true. What?

When we got to the train, the platform nerds were doing their thing connecting the train and we had to wait while they faffed around with it all. We looked through the window and Weird Train Guy wasn’t there. This distressed YoungER Lady a little as she really wanted me to write something that wasn’t “nothing” and had mentioned already that she was going to stimulate WTG to say something interesting in order for me to have SOMETHING to blog about.

You have to admire her enthusiasm.

So he wasn’t there though, only Wildwood man and Schoolgirl were on the train and no sign of Weird Train Guy at all.

I looked for a pic of a man with a trolley on a train, but all I could find was this handsome giraffe. He'll have to do I guess.

I noted that Weird Trolley Guy was by the door and he smiled at me, mocking that I can’t get on the train yet. This guy is nuts and is yet another little blogged about character that is on the Pluckley Express with us all more often than not. I don’t know where he has been either but haven’t seen him lately. For those not in the know on these matters, Weird Trolley Guy is the man who brings tea and coffee to “weary travellers” as he puts it.

So we’re all sitting there, me, Wildwood Man, Schoolgirl, YoungER Lady and Weird Trolley Guy is behind us, replete with trolley, ready to do his train trolley thing.

There was some debate in the group as to the whereabouts of Weird Train Guy and Schoolgirl informed us that he had stayed on the front portion of the train today. Wildwood man quite rightly noted that it was irregular that WTG would break from his routine, and it was. I later found out when we arrived at Pluckley that he had done just that and I could see him in the distance as I crossed the bridge.

The Porsche 911, the car I will be buying when I have my mid-life crisis. Cant wait!

Another rumour abounded about WTG “quitting his job”. It seems Schoolgirl has the inside track on this guy so it made me wonder if he’s about to have a midlife crisis, quit his job, buy a Porsche and go on a massive drinks and drugs bender surrounded by salubrious women.

Well, that’s what my imagination is desperately wishing for anyway.

It could be the making of him I thought as images of WTG burning rubber around Pluckley with a car full of chicks and champagne propagated in my mind.


Back to Weird Trolley Guy who is now preparing to do his round and as the train pulled away, like some kind of Circus conductor he announced very clearly:

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…”

Silence engulfed the carriage in anticipation of this great showman..

“Ian is here with his magical trolley to harass, harangue, tempt, tantalise and tease you which is what I do”

He then began moving through the carriage with his creaky trolley full of wares.

Does anyone else’s trolley guy do this?

Weird Trolley Guy as he is known has said some classic, CLASSIC things over the times he has been on the Pluckley Express and I hope to capture more of his insane genius in future posts.

There will be more to come on this. Like battle of the WTGS – Who can be the most INSANE?!

I hope that was more of a something for you YoungER Lady but of course, I am sure you will let me know in due course….

The 126 WTG Blog readers.

Posting on a Sunday? But he never posts on a Sunday? What the dickens?

I’ve been on holiday!

I couldn’t just say that I am going on holiday before I went though because according to the Daily Mail I will have my house broken into and my big screen telly nicked because unscrupulous burglars are using the social networks to plot and plan evil deeds and by my advertising via social networks and blogs that I am not at my house, the results could be disasterous, so they say, so I kept it quiet and said nothing.

This of course is all bollocks, and I mean both what the Daily Mail’s “journalists” print and the fact that I haven’t been on holiday at all – haha! I’ve just been obsessively lazy last week, focussing on relaxing with a devil may care attitude instead of obsessively blogging or “having a life” to uniquely and emphatically reverse what some people have said to me about this blog.


Slightly ranty too, seems I’ve still got my edge, I’m impressed.


Many thanks to everyone who visited this fine blogging establishment on January 13th 2011 as you were all part of a record breaking day of blog action. We broke the record held since August last year and 126 individual people visited the Weird Train Guy blog, smashing the old record by an extra 22 vistitors.

All this and it probably wasn’t even funny! (maybe)

This is obviously chicken-feed to all those pro-bloggers out there who get 50,000 views every minute and 120 comments just for writing “ooh what techie nerdy political claptrap shall I write today?” while they rub their goatee beards and gaze into their shiny iMacs whilst enjoying a Latte Machiata in Costas and congratulating themselves on being oh-so “in with the trends” and tweeting or some shit like that.

I don’t even know what a latte machiata is. I might even have just made that up, anyone care to verify whether that exists or not?

So in terms of blogging, some of us are just starting out here, so I love my small victory against the monolithic fascists running today’s modern blog industry and hoo-rah! we all have a new record to beat.

Yes that includes you.

We will have to thank the big man, Weird Train Guy as well, or maybe I don’t because quite frankly he is very lucky that I have allowed him to share 7 minutes of my life each day. In fact he should be grateful and thanking me and kissing my arse in all honesty, I made you famous damn you!

Cheers WTG.

Thats MORE than enough believe you me.

..and you can thank him as it’s in your interest.

Proof if it be needed that you are all awesome.

So I am happy to start the new year with a big record breaker and I couldn’t have done it without you.

So i’ll be back bashing away on my keyboard later on this week with undoubtedly some more Weird Train Guy action, hell who knows maybe I will give it a crack on my iPhone as well, stranger things have happened in the past as you all well know.

Rate, comment, subscribe, tweet (or whatever), tell all your friends and your enemies too if you are that way inclined, it may forge a beautiful and loving friendship.. but probably not.

In fact fuck ’em, they can find their own comedy blogs to enjoy.

See you all tomorrow, where we shall continue our very important work……………………..

Three days in a row?

I just realised, I have posted about our delightful friend Weird Train Guy for THREE days in a row!

What is this insanity?


This evening I feel like deliberately NOT posting anything just so that I can break the chain!

Who knows, I may not even see him on the train home so that should stop this posting marathon dead in it’s tracks. Heres hoping.

By the way, who the hell keeps searching Google for:-

  • Pies on snow
  • bread trays needed
  • dog throat
  • quips credit cards
  • tea trolleys on trains + health and safety

There’s only ONE answer to all of those search queries – Weird Train Guy!

Triple Weird Train Guy Time

Today was hard, like brain crushingly hard, an endless parade of meetings, focus groups, training and all that corporate stuff, it was as if the day would never end.

I’m quite disappointed in the Pluckley express service today as I turned up on time to get the train home only to find that once again it was late.

No sign of WTG though which was good as I was feeling unusually tired this afternoon and didn’t really feel like enduring the monotony of his life and because it was the train AFTER “our” train I was expecting a peaceful wait for my late train with no WTG.

I sat down on the platform (at a bench, I don’t tend to sit actually on the platform itself) and was half heartedley flicking through Shortlist magazine, a wanky free magazine basically stuffed with advertorials that try to tell me what I should buy over the next six months of 2011. To be honest all of that crap is wasted on me. Anyway I was quite happily sitting there when WTG came out of nowhere and plonked himself down next to me. I looked up and saw his inane smile and just thought what the fuck are you doing here?

By this time I was truly over the fact that the train home was late, but WTG insisted on talking about it for some reason while I yawned and nodded disinterestedly. While I hate reading complete corporate horseshit magazines I felt compelled to just to escape the dullness of his presence but he carried on talking regardless even though my body language was screaming out for him to shut the fuck up.

“why do they bother saying sorry with a recorded message over the tannoy, they’re not sorry at all..”

Yes WTG I know.

“why do they keep changing the trains arrival time? It’s changed three times already?”


“they should provide free tea when the train is late, why should we be stuck out here in the cold..”


Why does he have to bang on incessantly over subjects that are obvious and that I already know?

Enough to make me want to jump in front of the fucking train if it ever arrives.

He was talking incessantly the whole wait and the whole delayed journey home. Fascinating topics like how wi-fi works, how dongles allow netbooks to connect to the net, is it cheaper to get a talktalk landline or stick with BT? it’s £20 per month did you know that?

I didn’t know that and even now I still couldn’t give a flying toss…

What else? Ah yes he told me all about the woman in the office who orders stuff over the phone all day and how irritating it is for him having to listen to those conversations all day.

Don’t you realise how annoying it is for ME to listen to you telling me how you had to listen to HER?

Jeez I just don’t give a damn, today of all days I’m tired and hungry and just want to go home.

It's days like this I pray for something terrible to happen...

Dear South Eastern Railways,

Please don’t ever TRIPLE the time I have to sit with Weird Train Guy and get those bloody trains in on time, the journey should take seven minutes and that’s more than enough time for anyone to be with him – I assure you!

Sort it out please.

Best regards…..

WTG: Station Unsynchronised

Ok so this is an experiment. I am writing this actually on “our train” whilst I wait for the massive lumbering tonnes of metal to actually start moving and I am going to use the famous WordPress app to do it with my almighty iPhone (cue gasps of surprise!) this is a first for me.

I can’t see WTG anywhere, basically due to “points problems” the trains are all up shit creek this evening so not only is this train four carriages longer than it should be, it’s late too but most importantly it has caused me to not rendezvous with WTG on the platform but presumably he’s on the train… Somewhere.

I wonder.

Ok so I managed to type all that on this teeny weeny keyboard in the 7 minutes it took to get to Pluckley and none of you can say I am not doing a good service as I am now looking along the platform from the bridge and there is NO Weird Train Guy to be seen. Where the hell is he I wonder?

That was my first ever remote update, can’t wait to see what mess this has caused on the site, I will have a look when I get home… Round of applause please:

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